


Time's Falling Through My Hands

by cosmicrecyclingbin



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29511471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicrecyclingbin/pseuds/cosmicrecyclingbin
Summary: Leorio sometimes thinks about Kurapika's death.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	Time's Falling Through My Hands

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from Dear Friend, by Dayglow.
> 
> Angst usually isn't my thing but I've been so damn sad tonight and needed to channel it into something.

Leorio often wondered what would be worse, being with Kurapika when the sands of Emperor Time finally ran out, or simply never hearing from him again and forever wondering if he'd already passed. 

These thoughts came either every once in a blue moon as a fleeting moment of melancholy, or in succession for weeks as a nightmare. 

  
  


Kurapika's own personal suicide pact with himself was something of a subject of hot contention between them every time they ran in to each other. Leorio would call him reckless and selfish, and Kurapika would call him self-righteous and ignorant.

Leorio wished he was ignorant. 

He knew why Kurapika did the things that he did. He wasn't stupid. 

The stipulation of having Emperor Time shave off _ years _ of his life was indeed a way to keep Kurapika from using his most punishing of powers on those who did not deserve the deepest of his wrath.

But it was also a means to bring him closer to his own end. Kurapika continued to live so that he could fulfill his purpose and nothing more. When every one of his enemies was dead and all of the scarlet eyes were collected and the flame of his revenge had finally burnt out, he would burn out too.

Kurapika either could not fathom a future for himself beyond his vengeance, or simply did not care to have one. Each of these thought trains hurt in equal measure to think about. 

How does one convince another that life is still worth living? It was a conundrum Leorio had been trying to puzzle out for years now. After all this time, he supposed it was too late anyway. 

Maybe Leorio was bitter. 

No, Leorio was _ definitely _ bitter. 

He was bitter and he was angry and with every argument they had, wasting the precious little time they had together, he made sure Kurapika was aware of it, even if he never truly spoke the words he wanted to say. 

When Leorio yelled "You're a reckless asshole! Come on, you don't need to keep using that shit!" what he really meant was  _ Please stop, we hate seeing you like this.  _

When he threw a punch he knew Kurapika would easily sidestep and yelled, "You think you're too good for your buddies now, huh?" He really was asking  _ Are we not enough? Why can't I be enough for you? _

Leorio didn't know if the reality of the situation had set in yet for Gon and Killua. If it had, they were being a lot more tight-lipped about their opinions on the matter than Leorio ever could. 

When Pietro died, Leorio vowed to himself that he'd never lose a friend if he could help it, ever again. It's why he continued to pursue medicine, despite the time and effort and money it was taking. 

A medical degree couldn't save Kurapika, though, and that fact alone made Leorio feel utterly useless. It was like a slap to the face. 

Another companion at death's door. Another loved one to bury, if he even got the chance. 

He wondered about that too sometimes. What would happen to Kurapika's body if he passed while off on some mission in a foreign land? Would someone bring him back or would his corpse sit and rot, forgotten like the rest of his brethren?

Leorio hated how often he thought about giving the Kurta a proper burial. 

  
  


Every goodbye felt permanent. Every moment together felt stolen and wasted all at once. 

Sometimes Leorio found himself doodling Kurapika's face in the margins of his notebooks. There were three distinct versions of him that existed in his mind. 

The Kurapika he met at the hunter exam was smiling. Youthful, vibrant despite his hardships with his short hair and kind eyes. 

The Kurapika he met back up with in York New that fateful September was already so different. His hair had grown and so had his conviction. He was hell bent on his goal, having matured in the saddest and angriest way. Leorio knows he smiled at least _ once _ during that time, but he couldn't remember what it looked like. 

Today's Kurapika was much like the Kurapika he joined on the Black Whale. Hair always messy, face always pale. Overworked and under-fed. The black suit never suited him quite as nicely as his blue and gold robes, but it was all he ever wore now. This Kurapika had seen so much,  _ done  _ so much that Leorio knew haunted him. Leorio couldn't remember the last time he saw Kurapika smile, and he wondered if the man himself could either.

If you flipped through Leorio's Anatomy and Physiology notes you could see the light in Kurapika's eyes die right there between the pages. 

  
  


Sometimes Leorio wondered what Kurapika would have been like now, if he'd never been trained in nen, if he'd never made that damn chain around his heart. Would he be the same? Would he be worse?

Leorio wanted to reach into the blonde’s chest and unravel the chain with his own hands, to grip it and feel the metal melt between his fingers. 

If he could do that, would Kurapika be angry? Of course he would. Leorio would have made him late for his family reunion. 

The thought burned him like an iron. Maybe he was the selfish one. 

  
  


Who would Kurapika have been if his people hadn't been slaughtered? It was a thought Leorio only entertained every once in a while, for it gave him such a sense of longing that he  _ ached.  _

Would they have still met? Would they have become friends? Would Kurapika smile at him, banter with him like he used to? Would Kurapika let him hold him? Would Kurapika introduce him to his parents? Would Kurapika bridge the distance and meet him halfway when he tried to chase the unspoken _ something  _ that they both knew existed between them? 

Can you be nostalgic for something that's never happened?

  
  


Someday Leorio would wake up and Kurapika would be gone. He'd brush his teeth and drink his cheap, shitty coffee and head off to school or work and the world would continue to spin without Kurapika in it.

Would he even notice a difference?

If he keeps calling his phone, will he still be able to leave voicemail messages? Will the box fill up? Will the line get cut? Is that how he'll know?

  
  
  


_ "Hey Sunshine! Just checking in. Don't forget to eat breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day!" _

_ "Hey Kurapika! Gon wanted to know if you got the picture he sent you of the fish he helped Killua catch on their last trip to Whale Island. I know you're busy, but maybe shoot him a text when you can?" _

_ "Hey… Kurapika… You're still out there, right?" _

  
  
  


How many years would pass before Leorio gave up? Would he eventually stop remembering to try? Would life get the better of him and before he knows it, it's been a decade and suddenly a fleeting thought crosses his mind? Where will it happen? In the operating room? At the grocery store? In his dreams at night as he lies next to someone who would always be playing second fiddle to a fickle memory? Would he cry? Would he be numb?

  
  


For now all Leorio could do is get his mind off of it. He studied hard, did his duties as a member of the Zodiac, and watched out for the boys as best he could. He was plenty busy. Distracting himself. 

  
  
  


One day, he dreams that Kurapika has come to see him- him, with his garnet eyes and golden hair and ruby earring. He talks to Leorio with a sad smile on his face, but he can't hear anything he says, like someone had muted him. 

He wakes up the next day and wonders if it was Kurapika's spirit coming to say goodbye.

He wonders if he'll ever find out.


End file.
